Alex Rider and Alexis Strider
by fakeyourdecaf
Summary: When Alex Rider comes across a louse called Alexis Strider, a girl who has stolen and begun to parody his identity on Youtube, Alex knows that he can't ignore it any longer. His identity, which was a matter of top secrecy, is now in danger of being compromised forever, not to mention his dignity. Alex will need all his wit and daring as he embarks on his last ever mission. CRACK


/AN/ I'm so sorry dear readers. This was the brainchild of my crazy sister who has read all of the AR books and forgotten everything. Take what you will from this monstrosity that she made me post here because she can't be bothered to create her own account. For the past hour all I could hear was strange chuckling coming from the next room and of course it was _this_. But hey, if you like it post a review and I can try to get her to finish it/

Now that he was well advanced in his youtube career, after an emo stage when he'd dyed all his hair black, Alex began to notice the videos of a youtuber who had a frighteningly similar name to his real name – Alexis Strider. He hadn't watched any of her videos yet and he didn't want to, as he had heard the scathing reviews and noticed the number of dislikes. However, he realised that this annoying youtuber could cause some serious problems with the 'top secret' nature of Alex's identity, so Alex bought a spontaneous plane ticket to Greece to see what all the beef was about his name.

Alex had a delicious meal of chicken chow mein when he arrived in Greece, eager to sample the local cusine. The chicken sat before him in a swamp of steaming broth that tingled his whiskers as he hadn't shaved for 3 months. They did stop him at airport security so it was a bad decision but Alex had learned to let go of his issues, and embraced the pleasant policy of letting go, or indeed, letting grow. Thus, Alexander (for indeed this is his true name) sat before the chow mein, and inhaled a moment before chowing it. A girl threw him an admiring smile. To Alex, that smile said _"Stay handsome forever, Alex." I will try,_ thought Alex, chicken lumps invigorating his senses even though it was pretty cheap stuff. Who knew if it was even chicken. But this was Greece, goddammit, so he would eat his chicken chow mein like everyone else.

You see, Alex had a fine appreciation for the culinary delights that life held, and being a spy he hadn't really had a chance to consume anything of true culinary _inspiration._ For example, he'd expected that welcome meal with that lady Stellenbosch to have wine and fine dining, but of course they'd given him coke. There was probably coke in the coke, but he hadn't tasted it one bit, disappointingly. Many of his trips never left time for food as justice was always more urgent. This time, thought Alex, I'll nourish my tongue with new delights as well as find – what was her name – Alexis Strider. How uncreative, thought Alex, as a waiter came over with a plate piled high with – something.

"This looks great, doesn't it." said the waiter, an envious and starved smile on his gaunt cheeks.

"Yeah, that's really… something." said Alex.

"Hm, yes." said the waiter, using both hands to curl each end of his moustache at the same time.

"Did I actually order this." Alex deadpanned, but the waiter had already left – and, in the style of Alex's peaceful policy of letting go, he didn't care about it any more. He turned his attention to the pile of dessert before him. Once again, the smell of it tingled his whiskers – though not as much as before. No, this was a more delicate tingle, a light sense of - sugar. That made sense. But what else? What beyond the sweetness? He was getting – yes – nutty notes, fragrant notes. The bittersweet marriage of dark chocolate and – no, could it be true – Himalayan sea salt?

He was interrupted in his reverie by the sound of heels walking down the corridor next to the room. The sound was loud even in the cacophony of the restaurant. He called a waiter and asked for more wine. Then suddenly -

"Who is that?" said Alex.

"Who ees wat sehr?" said the new, French waiter.

"Those high heels- igh 'eels. Oo ees eet?"

"But ahy do not know!" said the baffled French waiter.

"Shee… ees vehring igh eels. Maybee a leetle late for ehr meeting. Shee as a andbag; she ees tall, maybe six foot… and she ees vehring… _Chanel number five."_

And for some reason, when he turned around, Alex had found that this waiter had disappeared too.

His phone buzzed, a rattlesnake hissing in the trees and as ever, Alex regretted the day he downloaded the set of Bear Grylls ringtones to his phone. He took it out of his pocket and saw it was a new video, by none other than Alexis Strider. Anger flew into him, and in one moment he was changed, from beast to beauty, eyes narrowed and skinny white nostrils flared. There was only one woman in the world who could annoy him so, play with his emotions…

The high heels had stopped. Alex glanced up and suddenly a wave of disbelief washed through him. His first instinct was to 'let go', as always, and straight into the dessert fell his phone and Alexis' smiling pixel face. For the real deal was standing here, in the restaurant – the flesh-and-blood version of Alexis Strider. He did not pause to admire how her thermoplastic hair, silicon inflated chest and botox lips all combined to create a striking genderbend of himself – for only one thing was running through Alex's mind, and that was, of course, revenge.


End file.
